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Post by Marvel Woman on Feb 3, 2014 21:18:59 GMT -5
A quick nod and a relieved smile were Jean's first reply. After a few seconds she added. "That's enough to keep anyone worried for a couple of lifetimes." There was a light touch of sarcasm as she joked to try to keep it light despite all the things that were going on. "But if something else came up, you can count on me." The redhead said determined. "That's what you get for still being around after most people has just given up on me." Again, Jean tried to sound it casual, like a joke, but she truly appreciated him backing her up and being one of the few people who never seemed to come up with an excuse if she came around looking for some company.
"I still don't understand why I have been brought back to life if the Phoenix has chosen a new host." She confessed, her expression troubled. "And I fear it might want to take over me again if we approach it... but if that were the case, it could have easily found me." Jean seemed to be talking to herself now, thinking out loud, perhaps.
"A part of me wishes that it is comfortable with it's new host." Until then, Jean had been looking at the countless stars in the sky, but then she raised her eyes to meet Logan and they were so full of fear. "Does that make me a terrible person, Logan?" She took a step closer. It sounded like she was begging, but begging for what? Forgiveness? A lie that would make her feel better?
Jean looked away when Logan asked about her becoming a full member of the X-Men once more. The thought had crossed her mind, but she was sure the timing wasn't right. "I don't know, Logan. The team already has a psychic." She was sure he'd understand just what she meant. "I'd really love to, but I don't think I could... maybe if they formed a second team." She mused because wishing was free and was also good for your mind and soul, to have goals, dreams... Her head was low and it was evident that that was a touchy subject, too close to all she had lost despite having 'regained her life back'. "It must have been incredibly hard for you over the years." She thought out loud, being in the same team with her and Scott and knowing he couldn't have her.
A rather nostalgic smile appeared on Jean's face. "Likewise." Her tone was warm, but she still seemed as mentally tired of fighting against the same old demons as she did years ago. Maybe she could feel that too and that was why that nostalgia had hit her out of the blues.
"Hey, at least they seem more interested in their training than they do in English and Physics." She attempted to joke and hit his shoulder with hers, softly.
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Post by James "Logan" Howlett on Feb 12, 2014 23:02:26 GMT -5
“I’m sure you’ll figure out why you were brought back to life Jean. There has to be a reason behind it.” Logan said as he looked back at Jean. He had felt sorry for her on several times when he had been with her as she was trying to go through the change of being back at the school and as well as being a teacher again. It was going to be a hard change but he knew she could be the one to adjust to it. Even when Logan was there on the first few occasions he never had an easy job in staying at the mansion for long. He’d always go on long adventures by himself or want to disappear for some time, he couldn’t help it, and it was just a part of his loner personality.
“But I’m sure it is comfortable with its new host, I know that not just a single person could handle something like the phoenix force. Someone strong and powerful should be able to handle it.” Logan said as he listened to what Jean had to say. From the sound of it, she just needed someone to talk to. Well Logan didn’t exactly have the answer to everything, but he’d never turn down a conversation from the likes of Jean or another woman from the staff that he knew pretty well. Logan was also friends with Kitty, Rogue and Storm, who had been strong X-staff by now and certainly trusting in his eyes. “I can at least give you my opinion. I don’t think it gives you a bad person because of it.” Logan explained.
“Well take your time. If you feel like you’re not ready for the team that is fine as well.” Logan added as he noticed how she looked away. It was clear that the X-men had a psychic on the team. But that didn’t mean that they could still use Jean again. Maybe one day she could rejoin them. It would just be like the old days when the X-men had first been formed. Of course, Logan was too old fashioned by some people to think of that. But obviously, that was not up to Logan for pushing her in that direction. If they did it was probably not going to be fair for Jean and her opinion on what she wanted to do. For all he knew she may want to start something new that was interesting for her or might give her a chance for something to learn something new. She mentioned something about joining a second team, it sounded like there might have been hope for her again to be with the rest of the team. Slowly but surely, she might come back.
“That sounds like an idea. The X-men are always growing so it’d never hurt to have a second team. Especially with all these new students that seem to be showing up, we’d need one in the future.” Logan agreed. “It has been Jean. There’s been a lot going on with the X-Men and me trying to move back and forth with the Avengers. It just hasn’t been the same.” Logan said seeming not to really know what to say. But he did agree on one thing, it was clear that he had missed Jean and didn’t know how to describe it towards her. He was sure that Jean understood that he had heavily missed her either way. Things were hard without her here. There was the faked death of Xavier and now there was the event of the Phoenix Force. He could only wonder next about what would happen around the corner.
Though he did give a soft chuckle when he heard Jean speak up about that, “Physics and English are important classes too.” Logan said not trying to find it offending towards Jean. He knew there are some kids out there that didn’t find the classes that exciting. But sometimes they had to just pull through it. For all they knew, they could learn a thing or two about those classes that they didn’t know before. That was a good thing for Jean at least, right?
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Post by Marvel Woman on May 1, 2014 0:00:52 GMT -5
For some reason, having someone she cared about and who had known her for years, made Jean see the whole thing with fresher eyes. Many night she had tossed and turned in bed, trying to find a reason why she had been brought back to life without the phoenix force. It wasn't that she wanted it back, far from that to be the case, as she finally felt able to breath freely in a long long time. But there was still the sensation that something was amiss. There had to be a catch. Every time she had been brought back, the phoenix had been behind it, wanting a host. Why bring her back if not to use her as a host again? Was it a matter of time? A way to repay the debt of having robbed her of her life and free will for so long? If that was the case, then why didn't it say so? Why keep her guessing and worrying?
Now, Jean felt for the first time that it didn't matter. She had a second chance. That was something she knew all too well in her logical mind, but her heart still couldn't get a grasp at it's meaning. She could actually get a job, or pick up a hobby, or some of the things she had always wanted to do and was never able to. A part of her brain was still cautious about the whole idea of that new opportunity, as the previous times she had thought about it, the idea that she couldn't go on, that her life had no meaning now that Scott was with Emma had rendered her a useless mess. That was still true, but Jean thought that, maybe in time, she'd be able to perhaps lead a team or adopt a baby or some of the other things she wanted to do in life and that would give it meaning. Maybe the Phoenix would come looking for her later on, but in the meanwhile, she couldn't just sit around trying to find an answer that might never come.
"Thanks" Jean muttered after a really long silence. She had been pondering all that before reminding she probably owed it to Logan to reply and she was truly thankful for that tiny ray of hope, for putting the idea that she didn't HAVE to sit and wait to figure out the destiny of the entire universe before giving happiness a try. As long as she didn't get involved with people who could get hurt if she died again, the sky was her limit. Ok, that did create some serious limitations, but was better than total despair. "Maybe I don't need to know why... I mean, it'd be a relief to know where I'm standing but, what if I keep waiting for that answer and it never comes? What if this was some way to repay me for the time that I was robbed of and I waste it wondering about why I'm here?" She sighed but there was a small smile of relief in her lips. Sometimes, the people who do the most for us is totally unaware of how much a mere phrase can change a life.
Jean thought Logan was just saying that to comfort her and she thought it was sweet, still she didn't believe it. A sad smile was now curving her lips a bit, at the sides. "I just want a chance to be me. I've been either dead or possessed for over the past twenty years, Logan." Was her excuse for wanting the Phoenix to be happy with its new host, but it didn't make her feel less selfish.
The redhead's lips pressed tightly together. It wasn't that she needed to be ready for the team, it was that she would never be able to be truly ready to see Emma working with Scott the way he used to do with her. Jean was sure he had understood what she had meant earlier, when she had said that the team already had a psychic. She just hoped Logan didn't take that as yet another rejection as she wouldn't want to hurt him after he had helped her so much that night. That's why she didn't reply until they started talking about the second team.
The new subject did make her look better, more cheerful and somehow enthusiastic even. "I've been wanting to talk to you know who about that since forever... but I don't want to disturb him for something like that. He's probably dealing with more important things right now. Otherwise, he wouldn't have disappeared like that." Jean said thinking about Xavier.
Jean picked up what Logan wasn't saying and she blushed, grateful that the sun had already set and it was dark enough for him not to notice. After the first few months of trying to get on her feet emotionally talking, there was a wild idea that popped into her head from time to time, but she was way too coward to run it by him, even indirectly. He aged incredibly slowly; she died often and came back at around the same age every time. Everyone else just moved at the normal pace of life but they were an exception, and that was her logic talking. Emotionally, it was a lot more complex, as complex as the universe itself. He had long stopped trying to make a pass at her, she had never been sure she'd ever be able to fully correspond the feelings that used to be there more or less evident every time they talked and she was about seventy percent sure a part of her would never stop loving Scott. She felt stupid even thinking about that and was grateful to be the only one in that garden who could read minds.
All of a sudden, Jean felt the impulse to make a silly excuse and run inside, to hide in her bedroom as she often did in the past, whenever he had tried to be more than her friend or even insinuated it. Well, her main excuse 'Scott is waiting for me' was not available anymore and being alone with herself scared the redhead crazy. "It will never be." She agreed with him, her mind now fixed on Scott. "But that doesn't mean it can't get better, you know?" Jean's mind convinced herself that she was just trying to cheer him up, not throwing a little rock at the pool to see if there was still any water in it, but the urge to run away became stronger. Some addition to the X-Men team a coward like her would make.
She chuckled a bit louder than him. "Yes, I figure our enemies will be very grateful when the younger X-Men threaten them with proper grammar." She joked. "You don't have to defend my cause for me, Logan. I know it's not a major role around here, but it makes me happy." She said looking up at the stars, trying to sort out her feelings. Teaching made her happy but it also made her feel lonely and apart from everyone else in the team. "If any of them ever chooses to pursue a more normal goal like a degree or a career, at least they'll be able to." That often gave her comfort when she felt too small. Maybe a part of her missed the power that came with being one with the Phoenix? No. That couldn't be true. She was better than that... thing.
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