All Is Said and Done (Jean)

Being a teacher, a special education teacher above everything else, took a great deal of patience and a high toll on anyone, even if the students weren't the only special ones. It was true that Logan wasn't known for his patience, but even calm little Miss Perfect was mentally exhausted by the end of the day. Especially days like that, where her two subjects occupied most of her day with only a small lunch break at some point in between. There was always someone trying to pull a prank using his gifts or talking during class or just being snappy as only a teenager could and all those years at the Academy still hadn't gotten her used to scolding people. Her gentle nature begged for her to find a peaceful solution when her logical counterpart knew she had to stand her ground and make students responsible for their actions. That part was emotionally draining.

With most students inside, that was the time of the day when Jean sought a little peace and quiet. Even with her ability and practice at blocking out everyone's thoughts to prevent a head wrecking migraine, it still meant a constant little effort on her part, like keeping a certain muscle tight in the same uncomfortable and unnatural position for hours at a time, day after day. You might get used to it, but it didn't mean it didn't feel cramped after a while. In a sense, she went outside for the same reason Logan had. Her mind needed to be able to do the equivalent of stretching to relieve the tension accumulated during the day.

As she walked a few feet away from the entrance door, Jean let her mind slowly unfold, a tiny little bit at a time in the direction of the gardens. That had to be less crowded than the mansion by far. There was someone out there, but it was just one person. Blocking it out wouldn't mean such a strain compared to teaching to hormonal teenagers, plus there was another reason for leaving that mind alone, besides her usual discretion and respect for other people's privacy: she recognized that thinking wavelength and the one place she didn't want to get was inside Logan's mind.

So, he was out there too, Jean thought, wondering if his day had been any better than hers. She couldn't see him from where she was and wasn't sure he'd want company either. Very much like the wild animal he sometimes resembled, she had learned to approach him as silently as she could and then stop at a certain distance. Then, she'd wait and let him take the initiative if he felt like talking to people. If he didn't, she'd just go about her business and leave him alone with his thoughts. The exceptions to that rule often involved her sensing him in distress or troubled by something. In those cases, her natural kindness drew her in with the best disposition to help if she could, even if it only meant listening to rants and saying a word or two, or even nothing at all.

Her thoughts diluted when she went past a few bushes and got a look at the sunset that was on the background. It was breathtaking and she stopped there for a long moment, just enjoying the natural beauty of the scenery. Seeing another day end without the fear of losing control of the Phoenix and hurting those she cared about when a new day begun, was a blessing. Ever since she had come back, without the Phoenix taking over her for a change that's exactly how she felt: blessed, lucky, and extremely happy just to be alive and home.

That reminded her of Logan. She could make out the shape of his body against the rays of the sun now and walked some more in his general direction, not taking her eyes off the sunset until she was a lot closer. Then she lowered the hand that had been shielding her eyes up to that point and looked at him across a small hedge. A small smile of friendly recognition played on her lips for a moment and she decided it was one of those days where she'd just walk to him without ceremonies. There was something about his look that made her think there was definitely something on his mind, the kind of thing that, if left alone to take more concise shape, could end up leading anywhere... and anywhere usually meant trouble for everyone.

Jean walked slowly along the hedge until it ended for a while as a makeshift door she went through. "Hey there," she said casually, a small smile still on. She was standing a couple of meters from him, ready to leave if he didn't feel like company.

A small wave of surprise washed over Jean as she heard the rather standoffish response she got from Logan. Her mind immediately replayed all their last conversations looking for something she might have said or done for him to decide to keep his distance from her, verbally at least. She just couldn't find it, so the spark of complicity and warm friendship that had been in her eyes until then died as concern replaced it. It was ironic, but Jean had gotten so used to the 'hey red' that had irritated her senseless in the beginning, she had never thought she'd miss it. Now she felt almost rejected without it.

Jean lowered her eyes with a hint of sadness and pretended to look at the garden before them. Her first impulse had been to ask if something was wrong, but for some reason the red head found herself unable to speak and an uncomfortable silence stretched between the two of them. She always found it sad when that happened. The moments when they were able to connect, to just spend quality time as friends without him trying to push it were rare, but she truly enjoyed them and had hoped they'd have gotten to an understanding by that point. "What's wrong, Logan?" She finally asked, looking back at him, mortified. Not knowing what she had said or done to upset to the point of being cool towards her, filled Jean with guilt, but she didn't invade the private space that was his mind, even if the uneasiness he was projecting was loud.

His first words worried her even more, as she thought whatever had angered —or most likely hurt him— was the cause for his desire to go away. Yet, she listened to the rest of his speech, her perfect features disrupted by a crease in her forehead at the word 'destroyed'.

Jean had some time to wonder what could have be the reason for that as, she too, thought Tony and Steve capable of handling any mess life could swing their way, at least for what she had heard. However, before she could draw any conclusions or ask any questions, Logan talked again, giving her the bad news.

This time, she went pale under the golden-red rays of the setting sun. The news were so shocking, Jean was unable to react and, for the longest moment, just stood there, looking at Logan without really seeing him, completely frozen as a million things, thoughts, fears and memories alike, went through her head at once. Then she opened her mouth, blinked a couple of times, frowned in denial and closed her mouth again. So it hadn't been a nightmare after all, that strange Phoenix power surge she had felt a while ago, was her first coherent thought.

After that came a sad acceptance and a pair of full lips that turned into a line out of mere outrage. It was out there again, tormenting somebody else somewhere and making innocent people pay for it, too. A heavy sigh escaped the deepest part of her soul, leaving the red haired woman hunched rather than standing like an former fashion model. "I understand," she managed to get out, still half lost in her own thoughts of pain, rage and guilt over the part of that sad story that she attributed to her own fault beyond all logic. "Thank you." Those words came out more firmly, but sincere, and her green eyes, that had been looking all over the garden grass for an answer that wasn't there, fixed on Logan's for a moment as her hand came to rest on his forearm. She gave it a squeeze before letting go. She didn't like being treated as something frail that had to be protected and had always appreciated Logan's straightness. 

An internal struggle was tearing her apart. What should she do? Offering to help felt like the least she could do but, what it her presence near the Phoenix made it want to posses her again? A part of Jean called her selfish for fearing her free will would be taken away once more, but the part of her that was logical suspected this new host, whoever it might be, had a better control over the Phoenix force. Otherwise, the energy burst she had sensed would have been much, much worse.

"How can I help?" She suddenly asked, her eyes blazing with resolve and determination. The Phoenix was her responsibility after all. It had been her who had accepted to merge with it, even if it was for a good cause. She had always done her best to keep its destruction to a minimum and it would truly be selfish to stop now just because she wasn't its host anymore.

Jean felt reassured when Logan didn't draw back his arm, not so much about the nickname thing anymore —there were much more important things to worry about now that peace was over for her—, but because the news had hit her hard, right into a still very sore spot and that brief contact had sufficed to keep her from falling apart. It reminded her of Logan's presence and of how important and real those dreadful news were. She had to be ready to face her worst nightmare again, the redhead told herself, even if she didn't feel up to it yet. The Phoenix had been a huge part of her life for a really long time for someone so caring not to feel somehow responsible for any damage it might continue to cause. Besides, if it had been any other enemy they had fought before attacking their allies of sorts, she'd want to help as well, unless there was someone more suited to help and her best way of doing it were to stay at the academy, but there wasn't anyone more suited to deal with the Phoenix than the two of them. She had been the one enduring it and he, the one who had most often put an end to her life to stop it.

She just shook her head at his suggestion, causing a sea of red curls flying in all directions. "The Avengers are perfectly capable of cleaning after themselves and probably lick their own wounds as well." Proud Mr.Stark probably wouldn't want any help with that anyway. "We need to track down the source of that Phoenix force burst of energy and find a way to..." For the briefest moment, Jean hesitated between several ways of saying what she thought, looking for the one that didn't sound like a bloody job, though she knew it could very well come down to it if the Phoenix was involved. "...at the very least try to minimize its potential for damage," she said averting her gaze back to the grass. In her head, it sounded like she was warning him there might come a time when he might have to kill another Phoenix possessed creature if things really came down to that, but she truly hopped that it didn't and wished for a more peaceful resolution with all her being... still she knew the Phoenix force and its potential for destruction and blood-lust still scared her immensely.

Determination still burned fiercely in those green eyes when Logan offered her to step down. She looked at him straight in the eye, maybe a bit too close for what she'd usually be comfortable with, but it was the Phoenix whey were talking about and she was afraid. After both their history with that entity, his proximity made her feel the safest, no matter how deeply she loved Scott. He just couldn't do the right thing when the moment came... not once, not twice... but this wasn't about either of them, it was about saving lives and she was the one who knew their enemy the most. "No. I have to go, Logan," she said stubbornly, her hand resting on his forearm again. "I've had it inside my head, I know what it feels like, what... used to... work to keep it in check sometimes." The young redhead struggled for words as she tried to express very abstract psychic concepts in mere words, when they were more like shapes and colors in her mind.

"I need to see for myself," she explained with an apologetic look. "I need to talk to the host." Jean said with total conviction. "Do you think we could go where she is?" She pleaded in a smaller voice that made her appear more vulnerable, because now she wasn't trying to appear strong but showing him as she was: scared but determined. "I'm almost sure I'd be able to track it down. It was a pretty strong energy and I can still feel the Phoenix's power signature like a magnet's pull." Her eyes were lost in the sun that had disappeared almost completely and her hand still rested on his forearm as her thoughts anticipated the hardships to come when the time to face her personal demons came.

Having been Logan's friend for as long as she had, Jean knew part of his situation with the Avengers and, what she didn't know, she suspected for the little cues he gave over the years as he talked, looked at her or averted his gaze, and other small body language details as his jaw tensing or pulse raising. She understood how he'd feel torn between what he felt was right and obliging to her wishes, but Stark's pride had generated in her the need to state that they could manage. "It would be thoughtful of you," she admitted. "But don't say I didn't warn you when they slap the door on your face," Jean joked. Logan had always been honest with her, she was open with him as well in return and that was what she thought of the Avenger situation. After all, all the superhero groups had had their own little domestic catastrophes and had managed mostly on their own, also out of pride. If he went up there and got sent back home with a frown, at lest she had fulfilled her duty to warn him.

Jean always tried to be fair and to give all their friends her best possible advice because she was the caring type. The fact that she had decided to be Logan's friend despite his interest in her and had stuck to that plan almost stubbornly was another proof of that. He was a loner. She could handle him. He tolerated her and it worked. Depriving a man of a possible friend just because he made things more complicated than usual —either by his mood swings or his interest in her or whatever other reason people used as excuse—, would have been unfair and not something she would do. Yes, they had a very long history of him being insistent and her being confused enough to reciprocate him to some degree, but despite it all (and despite all the misleading things Jean might do just for being a touchy feely person), she considered Logan her friend and as such she both told him exactly what she thought and wanted his support in a matter where he had proven to be the most efficient of all X-Men: killing murderous fire birds.

"Good." She nodded, a secret smile forming on her mind at the irony that someone with an ego the size of Logan's was talking about Mr.Stark like that. Had it been a less serious situation, she would barely be able to refrain from laughing and possibly joking about it. "It's OK, Logan. You don't have to come. I can ask Scott or Nat to come with me," she said in a soft, understanding voice and a moment later her eyes scanned the garden again, her mind racing. If things went south, would Scott or especially Nate be able to do the right thing the way Logan had or was it just because it had been her that everyone had found it so difficult to... well, to kill her. Those memories had her suppressing a sigh. A quiet simple life had been so nice!

She looked back up at him when he said he'd go with her. For a moment, she seemed to struggle between complaining and thanking him, then he mentioned Xavier and she got distracted 'looking around' with her telepathy to make sure no one had heard. A quick nod acknowledged his suggestion. "Scott probably won't like this," Jean said with a tired voice. Tired because the arguments about the harmless time she spent with Logan as a friend had her exhausted beyond words. "But, if it comes down to..." she swallowed hard, not wanting to be too graphic to avoid shivering at the memory. "...if things get real bad, I know I can count on you to do what's right," she finished with an eloquent look that said she probably couldn't say that much about anyone else... and she wasn't asking Emma any favors. Anyone but her.

"Thank you, Logan," she said sincerely. There was pain in her voice too, but the Phoenix being back was a lot to take in. "I'll wait until you finish your business with the Avengers. They're bound to be able to shred some light into all this anyway and there isn't too much information when it comes to the Phoenix." Now that the arrangements were being made and the trip felt more real, Jean couldn't help to let some of her previous fears take over her mind again and even leaking out of her barriers. There was just so much to think about, so many possibilities to consider, none of them agreeable on the least. She just hopped a few more days didn't mean more dead.

The redhead nodded again. "I felt it, you know? When it came back," she confessed. "I thought it was a dream... a nightmare, but I think I can track it. We can definitely find it if we take the jet." Jean said with more confidence than she felt.

A nod and a little smile were Jean's first response. "He's probably your best option at this point. Mr.Stark will be less likely to make a scene if you're hanging out with him." Not that 'less likely' made it impossible or less probable by much, but still was better than being greeted by a moody Ironman, too proud to accept help. And if Tony's ego kept him more busy than the rest, Steve would be more likely easier to talk to first.

Jean shook her head. "This goes beyond our personal differences." Though she wasn't sure who in particular she was trying to convince, if him or herself. "But even if it didn't, we've all messed up so many times, arguing would be pointless." Everyone had things to blame on the others and on themselves and it would have been endless. "I understand that you two are too different to be friends, but I'm so done arguing, Logan." Jean suppressed an exhausted sight and flashed a resigned smile that begged 'not now'. On top of the Phoenix, she didn't want to have to think of her personal life. Teaching two subjects had been a great way to avoid thinking about it at all.

She seemed to hesitate. Jean wasn't the kind of person who'd talk badly about others, but she had to be objective on this one, because many lives could depend on their decision. "Whatever my feelings for Scott are, we both know he's not the man for this kind of job." Jean had to admit a bit deflated. Too many times he had been unable to have the guts to kill her and had left the dirty job to Logan. What if things went badly and Scott couldn't make the right choice? Even if he was changed, that didn't guarantee anything and she still wanted to try to talk first, and leave the fighting as a last resource.

She sounded exhausted, defeated. Ever since she had come back, all Jean had tried to do was figure out what to do with her life. She was sure about one thing though, she was done arguing... with Scott, with Logan, with Emma. No. She just wanted some peace for a chance. The fire of youth where everything seemed worth fighting for was dwindling inside of her even if she still looked young from all her deaths and rebirths. All she wanted now was make sure the Phoenix wasn't going to harm anyone else.

Things had changed since she had come back and Jean understood that and had adapted the best she could. If Scott decided that he wanted her back —and he had abandoned his entire family for her before—, then she'd have to see if she could find it in her heart to forgive him and if he chose Emma... well... being a teacher was fulfilling and she was thankful enough to be alive as to feel she had the right to start making demands about happiness. After all, she had killed billions of beings as the Phoenix, she didn't deserve to be alive, least of all happy.

"I guess that everything was simpler with me out of the picture," she concluded, deliberately looking at one of the first evening stars. It was the kind of fear that would consume her on her sleepless nights and just couldn't share with everyone, but he was her friend and one of the closest persons to her at the mansion right now. She could tell him this and was sure he'd understand, even bet there had been times when he had felt the same way in the past. Maybe not the most recent past but still.

"Thank you." She said vehemently when Logan agreed to go with her and smiled a little when he said she was welcome. "I'll make the arrangements while you're off visiting the Avengers," Jean informed. Having something to do would make her feel useful and distract her from thinking too hard.

Were it someone else, she would have offered to help him forget, but Logan's head was the one mind she had ever avoided entering if she could help it. Mostly, out of fear of what she might find in there and how it could affect her. Things remained that way, so she just made a sympathetic face. Jean understood. She, too, had things that would be better forgotten and still she had to live with them.

"Guess you're right." She said with her mind set on other situations and people that were impossible to change, either, but only her eyes betrayed that. However, her mind was still following the conversation, despite that half a second long deviation. The tips of her lips curved upward at just how talkative Logan was that afternoon. It wasn't everyday that you got to hear him tell stories, especially old stories and she thought it was nice for a change.

She found it amusing that Logan continued to analyze Stark while he was very similar in a lot of ways. He wasn't one keen to receive orders and his pride wasn't precisely small either. Jean wondered how Fury had managed to keep the delicate balance, but didn't dare to ask. "You're talkative tonight." She observed with a small accomplice smile. She wondered if there was somewhere in particular he wanted to get to and for some reason found it hard to speak about it. Maybe her little comment would encourage him to speak his mind.

Jean wasn't thinking of Logan's killing history when she had made that comment but only about the way he had always done the right thing while she was the Phoenix and there wasn't any other option. She wasn't trying to use him as a weapon, but ask for his support in case things got out of hands. It wasn't like her to remember the worst of people, least of all to throw it on their faces and she was sure Logan hadn't misinterpreted it like that. "Let's hope it doesn't come down to that, though." Jean said both to herself and Logan. Her fist and second option would always be to try to avoid a confrontation. In fact, all she wanted to do was make sure the Phoenix wasn't going to harm anyone, but she needed to be realistic and be prepared for whatever that trip might take them, right?

A heavy sigh escaped her lips as Jean thought that missing someone didn't mean that person didn't make things complicated for them all, but it would be pointless to argue about that when there were more important things to worry about. She bit her lower lip and thought for a moment before replying, her green eyes still on the stars. "I know what you mean and, while it's nice to feel appreciated, sometimes I can't help thinking... never mind. It's still good to be home." She'd rather leave it at that. Self-pity wouldn't do her any good if she was to help whoever was dealing with the Phoenix now.

Jean nodded. "You go do your job and I'll take care of things here. It's the least I can do considering you're risking crossing Stark and the rest to indulge me." She wanted to make sure he knew she was grateful and fully appreciated his sacrifice.

She, too contemplated the night sky become slowly full with stars and was lost in deep though for a while. There was so much all this Phoenix business brought back to the fore despite the hard effort to bury those things deep down she had been doing since she had come back.

"It's OK, Logan." Jean assured him. She hadn't been fishing for an apology, just making an observation hoping he'd tell her what was really worrying him "It was nice for a change." A small smile danced on her lips as she looked down at him. "I was worried there might be something else you're worried about... with all that's happened lately." Jean confessed. The few times she had heard him talk about random stuff there had been something else troubling the loner Wolverine.

She sensed the topic had a great potential to put him in a dark mood she was trying to avoid herself. "I'll make my best so it doesn't come down to that." Jean promised, trying to reassure him. It was the best she could do. She knew just how hard it was to know you were harming those you loved, as it had been the case while she was possessed, but to him, it must have been a lot, lot worse, she imagined.

There were so many questions on her mind regarding being back. Like why she was resurrected if the Phoenix force was using some other host or what was left for her back at the school fifteen years later, when most of her friends had either moved out or went on with their lives and she was left behind. In a way, she felt she truly understood Logan now, why he felt so lonely being unable to age the same way others did and having everyone else die or move on while he remained alone. She had her students, yes, and some of her former friends were still happy to have her around, like Logan, Nate or Rachel (?) but it was still a long shot from what her life had been before and adapting to the change was hard, as it included letting go of the things that had been most important to her and try to start over.

It was good to hear that. For someone who often felt alone, it meant a lot. Jean rested a bit of her weight on Logan as he did that, still half lost in thoughts of her past and future. It was good to be home but the situation with Scott and Emma was often tense and she had been wondering for a while if she wouldn't be better off away from her past, the way joining X-Factor had been an escape before. But then she was reminded of the things she still had at the institute, like her students and the few friends, Like Logan, who were still willing to make a place for her in their lives and doubted. However, this Phoenix business was starting to give her a different perspective. While she had resigned to be just a teacher and an occasional X-Man, Jean had started to think of the future and, since she had no kids of her own, of her students. "I've been thinking about taking up a team." She confessed after a long silence that, at least she, didn't find uncomfortable. When Logan wasn't openly trying to make a pass on her, she found his company and even physical contact to be comforting. She seemed to be asking for his approval somehow. She had always been the kind of woman who needed someone's approval before making any important decisions.

A small smile crossed her lips at his mention of Stark. "Good point." And it was one indeed. She knew few people as work-absorbed as Ironman, not that they've been close or anything, but she had heard and seen enough to get a general idea of the man. The last comment came as a bit of a shock to her, but it it passed quickly. She understood what he meant. With all that dark talk bringing back bitter memories, painful for both of them, it was probably something he needed to say considering the fact that he had killed her more than once. Not that she wasn't thankful for that in the end, but... "I missed our talks too." Jean admitted. She remembered that even at her best moments with Scott, she had always enjoyed and valued the time and conversations shared with Logan. "Guess teaching can be a full time job." Which sort of explained why they didn't have much time to talk anymore. That and Jean locking herself in her room during most of her free time to avoid Emma.